Medical researchers at the University of WA have stumbled on a previously-unknown strain of the coronavirus they say is “much more infectious.”
The new strain, dubbed TR-20, or bogrollvirus, has already infected tens of thousands of Australians, according to senior virologist Dr Di Arrear.
“Symptoms include mild frothing at the mouth, uncontrolled eye twitching and in the most severe cases it can lead to violent behaviour,” said Dr Arrear.
Her colleague, Dr Cody Brown, said TR-20 appears to rapidly infect the part of the brain that controls reason and rationality. “Strangely, it seems to come over victims in the aisles of supermarkets.”
Dr Brown said that unlike coronavirus, which is most harmful to the elderly and infirm, TR-20 appears to only infect younger and otherwise fit and healthy people.
“We noticed this during our research, which was undertaken mostly at Coles and Woolworths. Elderly people would reach for one or two rolls of toilet paper, but they were being crushed in the stampede of TR-20 victims who were making Tourette’s-like involuntary shouts and ramming their shopping trolleys into each other.”
Dunsborough resident, 79-year-old Beryl Wittington-Smyth, said her Zimmer frame was broken in the melee at Coles this morning.
“I was just buying two rolls of Quilton 3-ply and a bar of soap when two women gang-tackled me to the floor,” she said.
“They left me with the soap, but then fought each other for the toilet rolls. But the nice Coles man helped me up. He even gave me his own personal roll he keeps in his locker in the staff room, and showed me where the Zimmer frames were.
“I was lucky, they had plenty of those in stock. Just no more toilet paper till tomorrow. But I’ll be okay, I have two spare rolls at home.”
According to the medical researchers, while TR-20 is dangerous if left untreated, it can be quickly nipped in the bud.
“We’re recommending victims who are feeling the symptoms just take a Bex and have a good lie down.”